Friday, February 09, 2007

Getting Cut, Part 2 - Snip, Snip

The following article contains too much personal information, and if you're squeamish, it might actually hurt to read, especially if you have a sack. This is your warning.

I had my follow up appointment today for the vasectomy. It was for the real thing. I wasn't really all that nervous until I was called. And it didn't take very fucking long to get called in. I had signed in, handed the sheet of paper back, and by the time I had taken off my coat, they called me. With like 5 other people in the waiting room. I still had my hand on my coat as I placed it on the coat rack. And it was 10:55 a.m. by my watch, and I wind that thing 5 minutes fast.

As I walk down the hall, I'm asked if I want to use the bathroom, I did, just in case in the middle of this for some reason I ended up needing to take a whiz, but was trapped. At this point, I notice that "Hotel California" is playing over the P.A. They got it on the light rock station. It's even the live acoustic version. "You can check out any time you like, but you can never leave!"

I'm told to undress and get on the table. Socks and shirt can stay. I notice 2 syringes which turn out to be full of Lydocane. This is my biggest fear of the whole thing. Other than the fact that 1 out of 150 dudes get swollen balls after this procedure. That's what I'm really worried about, but I plan to take it easy. Ice those boys down.

At this point, The Bee Gees are singing about "Emotion, taking me over." The song selection is cracking me up today. The nurse asks if I've shaved. Shaved? I would have, if someone would have told me. If I'm going to have my private parts shaved, I would prefer it be me. I'm still not sure if I was shaved.

Doc comes in to do the work. I'm totally prepped, and kind of tense, mostly waiting for the needle sting. I get the needle in the left side, right side, and center of the sack. It doesn't really hurt except for a little sting. It's totally similar to getting a shot of novacane, which doesn't really even phase me anymore. You would think the location would make a huge difference, but I was surprised by how much it did not.

Doc makes the incision, and I can just sort of tell the knife is there, but I don't feel anything. During the whole procedure, I feel sort of pressure, somewhat in the testes and upper pelvic area, but nothing more than say if someone slapped your balls. Nothing that would double you over.

A little burning smell, and then it's over. He has to do both sides. I check my watch. We are done by 11:20 a.m. I'd say he spent 10 minutes doing the job.

It's 4:08 p.m. right now. I've been sitting on ice, playing Madden 2005 on the PS2. Every time I get up, it feels like I got kicked in the balls. It's been like this for 4 hours straight. Not hard, slam your scrotum in a dictionary hurt, but just a constant throb like someone grazed it with a ping pong paddle hurt. Maybe just a little swelling, but that's to be expected.

We went to Panera afterwards and I got the Italian combo. Two peppers. One stem. Motherfucker!



Blogger JPW said...

Dude... I mean.... I didn't want to read but I couldn't stop from reading .... I'm not feeling well....

4:40 PM

Blogger CJ said...

Welcome to the club man!
Smooth sailing from here, at least until they ask you for a specimen . . .

5:10 PM

Anonymous adam said...

Very nice pain descriptors.

I can't say the thought hasn't crossed my mind, but for now, I think I'm for leaving myself the way Nature put me together. (Says the man who wears eyeglasses and is extensively tattooed.)

10:10 AM

Blogger Jez said...

The only issue with asking for a specimen is that it has to be at the hospital within 20 minutes of yanking.

The medical assistant was helpful, though, she says there's a Burger King near the hospital.

"Yeah, could I get a Whopper with cheese and a LOT of napkins?."

11:10 AM

Anonymous flygrrl said...

I'm gonna weigh in here and say that your pain sounds like NOTHING compared with what the female genital region feels like after giving birth. Just going out on a limb here, but perhaps your wife has already schooled you in the whining rights department.

8:32 PM

Blogger Jez said...

It's not like it hurts. It was just annoying. Not to mention the fact that every now and then I get a pain if I move to quick because things are "adjusting." I'm not in pain. I'm just annoyed. Which, if I think about it, is pretty much how I would feel if my pelvic region didn't ache...

8:40 PM


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